September, 1918. TT-TE SPECULUM. 77
have you ever tried gargling with salt water?"
Skipper : "Yes; I've been torpedoed six times."
Smart: " Why is Boyle's law like love?"
Smart: "The lower the gas, the higher the pressure."
* * * *
Sunday School Teacher (after a moving address on the origin of species) : "Now, Tommy, who made those bullocks out there?"
Tommy: "Er--please, miss, father."
Tgacher (sharply) : "Ah, I thought you were asleep.
Didn'tq just say God made everything? He made those bul- locks."
Tommy: " No, miss, please—Bulls !"
Lady Passenger (to gripman) : "Do you stop at Park Mansions, driver ?"
Gripman : "No, madam; it's too expensive."
* * *
Tramp: "Would you mind asking the doctor if he has an old pair of pants he could let me have?"
Lady : "My man, I'm the doctor."
* * *
• Father: "Johnnie, why are you so far behind with your lessons?"
Son : "So that I may pursue knowledge."
* * *
Jo: (on a walking tour) : "By Jove! I wish we had some ham."
Toni: "Why ?"
Jo • • "Then we could have ham and eggs—if we had eggs.-
* * * *
Kind Ladv Visitor : "So, my man, you've lost a leg?"
K.L.: "Ah' Have a chocolate."
* * • *
Diner (missing his usual waiter) : " Where is Charles to- day ?"
NA.7aiter: "He's gone, sir."
Diner:" What, you don't say! is he defunct?"
Waiter : "Yes, sir, with everything he could lay his 'ands on."
September, 1918. THE SPECULUM. 79 Chemist : "That medicine did your wife a world of good, I suppose?"
Husband : "No, quite the reverse. After reading the wrap- per she immediately had four new complaints."
'5 * * *
Tommy (saying good-bye) : "Au Resevoir ! Au Resevoir!"
Poilu : " Tanks ! Tanks !"
Hughie Melville.•--Registrar No. 16 A.S.H.
Baldie Anderson.—Asst. Collins-st.—riot seen on the Block yet.
Capt. \V. L. Porter.—Specialist. Salutes.
Norman Good.—Worrying the O.M. for outsizes from hats to boots.
Chambers, J. F.—Reeives bulky missives from W.A.
Stephens, W.—Beautifully tailored. Maritally inclined.
Chiz Worch.—Seen in the Melbourne streets.
O'Brien.—Well known to Melbourne cabmen.
Roy Watson.—Among the boys.
Paul Dane.—Breezy as ever.
MacKeddie.—Arranged a free fight among the residents for the lucky position.
George Howard.—Reminiscent as ever.
R. Welton Hogg.—A returned swaddy.
Jimmy Downing.—Resplendent in staff tabs.
Frank Meagher.—Sailed. Left his mark at every port.
Steffy Stephenson.—Sailed in a "trance port."
Jimmy Wall.—At Broadmeadows ; wooing Terpsichore.
Bluff Hal Crawford.—Hospital in Egypt.
THE SPECULUM. September. 1918.
Charlie Mackay.—Salonika. Second in command.
" Mick" Griffith.—Major and Registrar No. 5 A.G.H.; has shares in the Denat.
"Tommy" James.—Asst. Registrar. Last seen choosing a go- cart and comforts.
Eric Mackay.—Reported to have given up Medicine. Con- ducting a gramaphone orchestra as well as activities on the Lawn. Beats Vockler to a cocked hat.
Alf. Derham.—Disguised as a non-combatant officer.
Doug. Aitchison.—Very much married—it was some send-off at the A.H.
G T. McIver.—Finds his new tandem very useful in doing his parish round.
Eric Gandevia.—It's a long way to the A.H.
At Sea, 16/5/18.
Have seen in the past, frequent appeals for old boys to write to the paper, so thought a few incidents in our trip
September, 1918. THE SPECULUM. 81 might be useful to you. There are twelve Melbourne grads. on board—Jacobs, Le Souef, Shaw, Robertson, J. R. McCallum, Maxwell (late of Frankston), Baldwin, Dinwoodie, Crowley, Maclure, Britten and self.
McCallum has edited the ship's paper, and has produced some good spicy editorials.
He and Le Souef were respectively physician and wife in Neptune's Court when we crossed the line. Both were a bril- liant success. The physician's stethoscope was a fire-nozzle, which found rhonchi and rales in such unexpected places as the glutei.
Baldwin was charged with having the same name as a sapper, and was to be rechristened—Eunuchiah Toobald.
Maclure, Britten, Crowley and Shaw were bathed sum- marily.
J R. Robertson was charged with accepting a "prop."
whilst holding a misere hand.
Nothing else of interest. Hope the Tavern still keeps the students alive.
A word of advice. Remember Foster's ; haven't seen it beaten yet.
H. G. Corbett.—With 13th Field Ambulance. We learn that old "Budge" has fully maintained his social prestige amongst the very best of the English Aristocracy. Now positively refuse to drink anything but Moet '04.
John Green, Ralph Donaldson, and Jack Macdonald.—Left about two months ago, but no word from them yet.
Noel Maclure.—Had a wonderful time in New York. It is said that millionaires fought amongst themselves like tigers to shout him; seven millionairesses drove him around China-, town in single-seater landaulettes. He was presented with a very swell high-powered American car by Henry Ford for racing use in Australia apres la guerre.
An M.O. sends the following :-
They say children and drunken men speak words of wisdom. One night I was ordered by the C.O. to report on the condition of a soldier who had returned to camp very badly blotted. I found him very much under the influence and unfit for duty, so I sent the dispenser down with a
"straightener." The bibulous one took the "dope" and threw it on the ground, and in a very superior voice, punctuated with gastric spasms, said, " You tell that doctor that medicine is an invention of science to amuse the patient, whilst Nature effects a cure."
Casualty Clearing Station,
Mesopotamia, 14th March, 1918.
To the Editor of the "Speculum," M.H.
Dear Sir,—The September 17th "Speculum" has just reached me after what seems to have been a complete tour of the globe.
Amongst the usual items of enlightenment and interest, it has brought two unpleasant thoughts—first, that I owe a sub- scription for a couple of years, and second that "communica- tions from Old Boys especially will be met at boat or train."
To dispose of the former, will you accept apologies (on the score of a bad memory and the effects of a worse climate) and a settlement under separate cover ?
For the latter I would hurl on your mercy a few com- ments on the Mesopotamia of to-day, based.on 18 months spent in various cheerful spots from Basra to Ramadi.
The actual life in a C.C.S. calls for little comment be- yond the fact that it lies next door for comfort to life in a General Hospital—"no complaints," in other words—unless, of course, one is playing to the gallery.
And at the present time a C.C.S. out here is chiefly dis- tinguished from those in France and elsewhere by clearing no casualties.
A blood-thirsty man has few opportunities : and merely goes in the strength of what may be.
Interesting cases are rare; but in the season the wards throng with the old friends—malaria, sandfly fever, dysentery, etc.
Cholera generally takes a run in the autumn, heat stroke in the summer; while this winter small-pox made an appear- ance for the first time, indecently exposing the fallacies of a theoretically well-vaccinated community.
There were classical signs and symptoms, such as pro- dronial rashes, both types of haemorrhag,ic, S.P., confluent S.P.. etc., to make glad the heart of any fever hospital clini- cian at home, could he have seen them.
I arrived in Mespot. towards the end of the summer of '16 in fact, at the tail-end of the "bad old days"—escap- ing the worst of the full-blooded scandals probed by the corn-
THE SPECULUM. September, 1918.
September, 1918. THE SPECULUM. 83 mission. But matters were bad enough even there to enable one to appreciate to-day the complete change that has come over the scene.
Discomfort and doubt have given place to the most ex- traordinary degree of tranquillity and confidence.
It has been made obvious that capital sunk in the count- try will not be thrown away—for the fertility is truly amazing
—sand plus water are something to conjure with. Meanwhile the Arab is being offered stable government, the like of which he cannot have known for possibly milleniums; and though he may not love us—why should he ?—is apparently shrewd enough to realise on which side his bread is buttered.
There should be a great future for the 'profession. Most of the larger towns already have dispensaries, crenerally run by I.M.S. men, which have achieved almost embarrassingpopu- larity—I believe it is difficult to cope with the work in some places—all sorts of interesting cases, and surgery clamouring to be done.
The climate you doubtless know all about by this time—
printable language does not fit the summer—the only thing that can be said about it is that probably it would be more endurable in properly built houses with electric fans and other home comforts. But the winter is for the most part perfect, and can be compared with that of such health resorts as Queens- land, Egypt, etc. It is not difficult to imagine the rush of tourists in days to come when the railway will be through from Melbourne to Darwin and from London to Bombay.
Some of the above may be thought unduly enthusiastic;
but though for purely personal reasons I loathe the country as much as any man—having no cause to be grateful to it for a single thing—yet I should be prepared to wager much money on its rise to wealth and immense importance inside the next io years if the war only ends in the way we hope.
Trusting for leniency if I have taken up too much of your time, talked platitudes, or otherwise erred.
I am, dear sir, yours truly,
W. G. SOUTHEY, Temp. Capt., R.A.M.C.
Rajah Pascal.—Last seen talking to "Herby" in the Tavern.
Irwin Kelmar.—Back from Queensland; taking leading part in "Oh, Boy."
"Fatty" Brent.—Relieving M.O. 13th Highland Light Infantry.
Hopes to be shifted to A.I.F.
19th—Sat.—Last day of Entry for Annual Examinatioris.
2—Sat.—Last day of Entry for Public Examinations.
9.—Sat.—Third Term ends 25—Mon.—Fourth Term begins.
Annual Examinations begin; also Medical Exami- nations in Div. I.: in Materia Medica and Pharmacy; Supplementary Examinations in other subjects of Div. Hi.; Final Examina- tion in Div. IVb., Pass and Hons., with Scholarships.
Examinations for D.P.H.
Examinations for M.D. and M.S.
3o—Sat.—Materia Medica and Practical Pharmacy class ends.
2—Mon—Public Examinations begin.
9—Mon.—Last day of Entry for Degrees to be conferred on 23rd December.
r4—Sat.—Hospital Third Term ends.
2 I —Sat.—Academic Year ends.
23—Mon.---December Conferring of Degrees.
September, 1918. THE SPECULUM.. 85